If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
