ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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