i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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