I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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