I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My breasts were aching with rage.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
try to milk me bitch
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