Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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