Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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