Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize