Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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