Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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