You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
