I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
