You don't have asthma, your pregnant
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
