I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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