I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
