i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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