The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
