Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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