Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize