my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
