dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
