Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
