Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
