would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
