Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
