I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
