nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
