who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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