Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
