respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
