Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
