My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
where does the pee come out of this thing
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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