I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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