I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
