I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
