Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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