flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize