Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize