3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
