If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
