All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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