It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
