Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
