u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I still have a little drunk in my system
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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