I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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