your parents love me but you hate me
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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