Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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