dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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