I want to have your abortion
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
