every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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