How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
as a side note pls kill me
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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