my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
