im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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