I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
