omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
