apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
