she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
