Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize