I cockslap morals
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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