The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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