I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
