I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
