I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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