I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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