i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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